trystinn: (Obey the Basset)
I was re-organizing the Western section yesterday, removing some tired and worn out paperbacks and replacing them with newer ones. While I was alphabetizing the authors, much to my surprise, I found a non-Western title among them. Or so I thought.

T: "Hey, Ginger, here's one that needs to be re-shelved in general fiction."
G: "How do you know its not a Western?"
T: "There's a mermaid on the cover!"
G: "No mermaids in the Old West?"
T: (considers this) "Not that I've ever read about and I've read a metric ton of Zane Greys. There's no genre crossing of Mermaids and Westerns."
G: "Leave it there, give the old duffers who buy Westerns a thrill"
T: "Now that I think about it, there really should be some mermaids in the old West. Between all the booze, dehydration, sunstroke and lonely cowboys."
G: "You've already put some bodice rippers in there, haven't you?"
T: "A few 'A hard man is good to find, yes' just to fill out the section, qualified by actual Western content. No actual bodice rippers, a true cowboy tosses your skirts."

These conversations, my dear, is how we spend our afternoons when there are no customers around.

*snort*

Aug. 8th, 2011 11:03 pm
trystinn: (Cauldron)
SMS Troll - He's Been Waiting for This Moment Since You Were Born
see more The Art of Trolling

I would so do this!
trystinn: (Obey the Basset)
Josh and I have all but three.

Farm Humor

Oct. 7th, 2010 07:35 pm
trystinn: (Obey the Basset)
Hubby and I headed over to Erin's farm this afternoon to pick up our monthly stipend of 4 bales of hay. I brought along a bag of old carrots for the jackass, horses and goats. We are quite fond of the goats, so we had a marvelous time rubbing their noses and feeding them treats.

While we were doing so, the jackass managed to do the funniest thing I've ever even heard of an animal doing. He brayed, loud enough to be heard all over the farm, then farted. This, of course, was hilariously funny. So funny, that hubby got to howling with glee, then he farted! Which provoked him into a rousing round of the giggle farts. Which lasted almost until we got back in the truck to head home.

Two jackasses laughing and farting. This was my evening.
trystinn: (Cauldron)


In case of nuclear attack:

1. Steal someone else’s newspaper.

2. Play peek-a-boo.

3. Leave your wife and daughter at home.

4. Scare someone while pretending to be Napoleon.

5. Go window shopping.

6. Go out for dinner.

7. Have sex.

8. Stand in a closet with wheels.
trystinn: (Cauldron)
A Good Son..


An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie
trystinn: (Eggs)
My kind of pain chart:

1 thru 6

7 thru 12

0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here.

1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2: I probably just need a Band Aid.

3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4: My pain is not fucking around.

5: Why is this happening to me??

6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.

8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.

9: I am almost definitely dying.

10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.
trystinn: (Default)
To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, Einstein!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
trystinn: (Default)
But it is funny in a "I've drunk too much beer today" kind of way.

http://www.turdtwister.com/
trystinn: (Hebrew)
You'll need your speakers volume turned up quite a bit for some of them:

http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/
trystinn: (politics)
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4) Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Any way, I locked all 4 of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cooter
trystinn: (Default)
Things my Mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
trystinn: (Horned God)
The Pagan Problem Report Form

1. Describe your pagan problem: __________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the pagan problem accurately:___________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ____________________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Attachment B. ___Possession C. ___Hex D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your Aura plugged in Correctly? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to Cleanse or Vanquish it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about Witchcraft and cleansing" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read a Book of Shadows? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read a Book of Shadows? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read a Book of Shadows? No__

15. If you read a Book of Shadows, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
__________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your Ritual circle when the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were on the Astral plane:
___________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the Cauldron in your circle work? Yes__ What's a CAULDRON? __

21. Do you have a copy of 'Witchcraft for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem, either here or passed over ? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any magical tools, gifts or talents that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given yourself a good whack on the forehead? Yes__ No__ (if 'no' do it now)

26. Is the group outside your home trying to set you on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

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