The 7 Emotional Cycles of Deployment

[trystinn]

Despite the many who claim otherwise, the military spouse leads a
different life from most. This harsh truth becomes most evident when your
family prepares for a deployment. A deployment is a scary, emotional, yet
liberating journey for the spouse left behind to take care of a home,
finances, and a family.

There are 7 identifiable stages that the majority of military spouses
go through.

"1. Pre-Deployment: Anticipation of Loss (6 weeks prior)
Your spouse is working late to ready the unit and you are left at home
knowing he or she will be leaving. You are moody and depressed, and
this causes friction between you and your spouse. You are a tight little
ball of stress and anxiety, and hate yourself for feeling this way. You
and your spouse are at each other's throats even when you know in your
heart you should be cherishing each day left together.
Whether you're a man or a woman, it is PMS multiplied by a factor of
deployment.

2. Pre-Deployment: Detachment and Withdrawal (1 week prior)
As the final week before deployment approaches, all those feelings you
have had for weeks rise to a peak. You can think of a million and one
final thing to do before the deployment, but can find neither time nor
energy to complete even the smallest tasks. All the arguing has taken
its toll on your level of intimacy. You appear to have lost all interest
in physical contact with your spouse and have more interest in actually
sleeping between the sheets than anything else. You distance yourself
from your spouse without consciously knowing it.
These emotional times happen. The important thing to remember is that
you are human. We all want the final weeks before a deployment to be
perfect, but life seems to throw us a different fate. But the closer you
come to understanding each cycle and its inevitable side effects, the
closer you come to changing certain aspects of your life. If there is
time, take part in some of the services offered to you on base. There are
always people on base who can assist you. Reach out to your unit
chaplain for guidance and support.

3. During Deployment: Emotional Disorganization (2 - 3 weeks)
After your spouse leaves and all the initial tears have been shed, you
wake up. The house is all yours. Even if you have children, it is
yours. You can stay up late, eat cookies in bed, and watch your favorite TV
channels all day without a single complaint from anyone. It's almost
like a vacation.
This is a fun time; a chance to do all those things you didn't have
time to do before. There are no uniforms to wash, no entertaining, and no
work-related phone calls in the middle of the night. Relief!
The first few weeks have flown by. All that time you thought you would
be crying, you were enjoying yourself. Then you look at the unmown
lawn, the pile of clothes in the hamper, the refrigerator with only ice
cream and diet cola inside, the stack of bills on the desk, the car that
needs an oil change, tune-up, and car wash, etc. Then guilt sets in.
Here you are having a grand time while your spouse is possibly in harm's
way and you seem to have lost sight of your household responsibilities.
You sit in a heap on the floor in the kitchen and sob. You suddenly
feel alone.

4. During Deployment: Recovery and Stabilization (3 - 4 weeks) Your two
favorite words! By this time, you have probably heard from your spouse
via e-mail or telephone. The phone calls and e-mail inspire you to find
strength you never knew you had. You take on all your newfound
responsibilities with passion. You are now able to fix that broken dryer; you
bake cookies and write letters. You make Martha Stewart look like she
hasn't a clue. This time is an opportunity that is truly a gift of the
military lifestyle. During this time, you will discover your
independence, your abilities, and your enduring strength.

5. During Deployment: Anticipation of Homecoming (4 - 6 weeks before
reunion) The few weeks before the deployment comes to an end, there is
excitement, along with questions. You fear your newfound independence will
vanish once your spouse steps through the front door. You wonder what
changes will happen and where your marriage will fit into the equation.
You are happy your spouse will be home soon, but there is much concern
about the homecoming. There may be only sporadic phone calls or e-mail,
leaving you too much time to worry about the future. You begin to do
things just to keep your mind occupied. You clean like mad. You organize
financial papers, get the budget back into shape, get the kids ready
for school, and juggle doctor appointments and soccer practice. The
final days before homecoming are full of phone calls to other spouses, to
the Ombudsmen, and to the party stores. Decorations and signs are made
and you are giddy with excitement and anticipation.

6. After Deployment: Renegotiation of the Marriage Contract (2 - 4 weeks
after reunion) After the initial joy of having your spouse home,
reality sets in. Changes need to be made to the lifestyle you had just become
used to, and they are not easy. You feel stifled, at first, over the
loss of your independence, but the feeling will pass in time, with some
adjustments. Communicate openly with your spouse about your needs and
wants, and use any marital services available on base that can help you
both reconnect after your time apart. In time, loving intimacy returns
and you find a way to work together again as a team.

7. After Deployment: Reintegration and Stabilization (6 - 12 weeks)
Breathe a sigh of relief-stability has returned. By the time the first
couple of months post-deployment have passed, you and your spouse have
hammered out the details of your marriage. You are used to having him or her
home and actually enjoy the fact that they still hog all the blankets
in bed.
You feel relief knowing you are not solely responsible for the
household chores anymore. Knowing you can fix the dryer by yourself is
liberating, but not having to fix it is another story. It is on one of those
days that you glance at your spouse sitting beside you on the sofa,
reading the paper, and suddenly all you can remember about the deployment
was being in his or her arms the day they left. It feels like it was
yesterday."

Comments

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

I think a further complication for me last time was the fact that we came within inches of breaking up just before he left, for reasons completely unrelated to the deployment, then had to work on fixing those while thousands of miles apart! So the deployment itself was only a small part of the problem.

[wastedmouthfull.livejournal.com]

yeah that could make things a lot harder to deal with.