Ambivalence and other thoughts...

The Brass Tacks -
My natural father finally called: it was very pleasant, upbeat, jovial, generous and polite. I'm glad he called and look forward to further contact. And yet, I find myself sort of quietly resisting talking about it. Maybe its too personal for LJ, I'm not really sure why I'm so reticent about this. Perhaps we can let it lie there for now.

And to the dear friend who called to ask for an update and gently prodded me to consider why I'm so ambivalent about discussing it - thank you. Very big zen hugs, darling.

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I'm beginning to see a larger pattern here of ambivalence in my life. I've admitted to myself that I'm not really a team player and I'm tired of feeling guilty about it. I'd vastly prefer to just work on projects for myself, the coven, covenmates, the Tradition and perhaps a few other folks. I have discussed this with my leadership and they are absolutely thrilled to see movement on this, frankly.

I'm also realizing that life is truly too short to be involved with groups and activities that I am not joyously enthusiastic about. I want to look forward to my commitments, not dread them. Selfish me, I know. This is not a judgment of the groups or the folks involved, just a realization that I've been masquerading my own curmudgeon-like personality with a facade of polite graciousness that is anything but genuine. Perhaps this is due to a proper East Coast upbringing, or Jewish guilt - I've no idea.

I'm going to give myself the gift of saying "No, I'm sorry I can't do that" with a gentle smile and walk away feeling perfectly at home with that decision and myself.

This is going to take some practice. *sigh*