This week's Jehovah Witless visit

[trystinn]

I have a slight bullying problem when it comes to missionaries, which is why I'm not allowed to answer the door when someone else is home. Especially those who insist on returning to my home on a regular basis after we've given them a polite shove off. This week's visit came on rabbit cage cleaning day, when I'm already in a bad mood. However, I am wearing my best monster foot slippers, big black furry clawed ones. Got that mental picture? Good, here we go.

M: Do you think government is doing a good job at taking care of our most vulnerable? Women, children, senior citizens, etc.?
T: Absolutely not. The political machine in this country is corrupt.
M: Great! I have a quote here *pause to flip through latter half of Christian bible* . . .
T: We're a Jewish home.
M: Huh?
T: Jewish home. See the Mezuzah (point to one on doorframe). We're Jewish.
H: Oh, typically I read Jesus' words at this point. So I'll read from Daniel. . . *insane flippage looking for correct chapter*
T: I know the quote you mean, don't worry about it. The Torah is considerably shorter, so its easier to study.
M: *Becoming desperate* So you raise rabbits? *looking at Bunhalla over front fence*
T: No, I rescue rabbits.
M: We raised rabbits when I was a kid, kept food on the table many a night.
T: *stern look* They aren't kosher you realize. *very offended look at his mixed cotton and wool suit*
M: Oh, well we'd like to give you our literature, a free gift from the Jehovah's Witness...
T: Do

not

say his name! You may not utter the name of G-d, its forbidden! *looks down at Watchtower magazines, throw them in the air and start wiping hands* You may not defame his name by writing it on documents!
M: *looks uncomfortable* Maybe we'll return later.
T: Thank you and God bless!

Comments

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

I make sure my pentacle is showing when I answer the door...and that I have a very firm grip on a certain 100-pound dog's collar. He's so vicious, you know :)

Telling them I'm a witch usually takes care of it.

Although in my younger days, I had one actually make her way into the house...until the exterminator came down from the attic and announced that yes, indeed, we did have bats. Suddenly there was this blur headed for the door.

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

I'm suspecting you had fun ... :)

should witlesses ever come by my place I think I'll try and remember this kind of thing ;) (they NEVER do. I suspect I'm blacklisted. *heh*)

[dana3.livejournal.com]

My favorite witless session was in defense of a friend's house. (Context -- she had just been diagnosed with a massive brain hemangioma and was struggling to deal with that. Or had just come home from the surgery. One of the two, it's been awhile.)

... upon seeing two suited people picking their way up her walk ...
D: What are you selling?
JW: We're not selling anything, ma'am, we're just here to tell you about ...
D: You're selling religion. I see. We've got all we need, thank you, good bye.
(close, not slam, door)
Return to comforting friend who was dealing with massive life-changing situation.

[man-of-snows.livejournal.com]

Do NOT say his name! This is one of the many reasons you delight me.

Unfortunately, our home is permanently black listed for Mormon missionaries. I think they got sick of losing the cute ones...

Did I actually admit that? Oooops.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how we got on their radar, but since they insist on repeat visits I keep coming up with new and interesting ways to torture them.

Next time, I should very much think a Torah with post its would do the trick.

[onyxtwilight.livejournal.com]

"Would you like a Watchtower?"

"No, thanks, I've got four already."

*rimshot*

[rstormcrow.livejournal.com]

My fave way of opening the door then slamming it is the following.

Before you start, I have been hearing things about the "end times" so let me get this straight, if I convert
I have a 0.000024% (24 million to one) chance of being "called home" and being saved on Armageddon day?

So with those odds, do you think it's worth the gamble since I am perfectly happy with the path I currently practice?

I have others..

If you can't beat them with "facts" kill them with "stats"

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

Ooooo, I like that one!

[tide-and-time.livejournal.com]

OMGS T!!! I LOVE YOU! This made my day! :)

BB,
D

[tide-and-time.livejournal.com]

*grin* Sounds like my neighbourhood....
.... now that I am in it anyway.

LOL

[brock-tn.livejournal.com]

Am reminded of the story of a pagan/heathen household where the very large husband had been out back butchering a deer, and had by chance walked into the house, covered in blood, to look for something he needed, when the Witnesses rang the doorbell. His wife took one look at the Witnesses when she opened the door, turned over her shoulder and said "Honey, it's for you!

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

"Fresh victims?" would have been my response.

[vicki-sine.livejournal.com]

bada..dum

[mamaursula.livejournal.com]

If you convert one, let us know.

[sannion.livejournal.com]

that conversation is made of win.

[mamaursula.livejournal.com]

The JW's used to come to my parents house every Saturday morning around the same time, so I would make arrangements to be in the shower. Sometimes I even arranged to be sopping wet when I answered the door. They didn't seem to mind, but they really couldn't object to me refusing to stand naked on the front porch.

[rniteflyer.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine had a JW coming to his door every Saturday morning. He got tired of the polite "no thank you," and decided to take matters into his own hands.

He tracked down the largest crucifix he could find (about 4 inches, gold plated) and answered the door wearing that....and nothing else. He invited them "to come right in and let's talk about God."

You can still see the dust from the tracks they made. Needless to say that was the last time.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, now there's a challenge. But what do I convert him to? The occult or Judaism? :)

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

I was afraid some of the comments were a bit to esoteric, but I should have known better with this crowd.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

The large naked guy thing works with pentagrams, too.

Hubby is quite effective. *WEG*

[sannion.livejournal.com]

Nope. It was awesome, and if they ever hassle me, I'm totally going to steal your ideas. Hell, I get mistaken for a Jew often enough perhaps I ought to use it for my own benefit.

Alas, I almost never get hassled by evangelists - even though I like talking with them, having a fondness for debating theology. I've had them cross the street or get up and take a different seat on the bus to avoid me. One time a young LDS kid stopped me and started in with his standard opening. I began asking him questions in return, even quoting obscure passages from the BoM, which seemed to make him flustered. His partner said they had to get going and offered to schedule a visit some other time. Even though I gave them my address no one ever came by. Another time, someone tried to convert me at work (http://sannion.livejournal.com/111000.html), but only in a half-hearted way.

*sniff sniff* I guess my heathen soul just isn't worth the effort.

[brock-tn.livejournal.com]

I think that Dear Hubby's first words to the Witlesses were on the order of:

"Sorry for the mess, we were just having a little sacrifce to Odin..."

The Witnesses evidently screamed and ran for their lives.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

I would have loved to see it.

Josh answered the door once with his athame in one hand, pentagram around his neck and skyclad. Asked if they were the folks arriving late for ritual and yelled "what's wrong?" as they ran off.

[brock-tn.livejournal.com]

Oh no. I may be a Gentile, but I'm a well-educated-enough Gentile that I recognize an example of shatnes when it wanders by.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Good to hear, we make a lot of Jewish jokes around here.

[brock-tn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, I, the Gentile kid, was once forced to explain to someone why schmuck is not a term that should properly be used in polite mixed company, and that as an alternative he should probably use schlemiel, even though the two terms are not precise synonyms. This got me a lot of odd looks, considering that I do not speak Yiddish, (for any reasonable meaning of "speak," anyway.)

Sometimes this odd memory of mine is useful

[brock-tn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, I, the Gentile kid, was once forced to explain to someone why schmuck is not a term that should properly be used in polite mixed company, and that as an alternative he should probably use schlemiel, even though the two terms are not precise synonyms. This got me a lot of odd looks, considering that I do not speak Yiddish, (for any reasonable meaning of "speak," anyway.)

Sometimes this odd memory of mine is useful.

Edited 'cos it got poste d in the wrong spot.

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

No worries, one day I too shall have editing ability - something made more important now that my wireless keyboard is going crazy.

You know the definition of a schlemiel, right? A man who falls on his back and breaks his nose.

[wastedmouthfull.livejournal.com]

You are so mean.... And I love it!!!
My fave, well i have two of em, one,
This mormon lady knocked on my dads door, he was cleaning his hunting rifles, listen lady he said id as soon shoot ya than look at ya.
Ok picture a big Cowboy wearing all black for that one.
The Second is I have a Siberian husky Big beautiful wolf of a dog, very friendly.
The JW got out of their car he got in their car, he wanted a ride, they all got out shutting him inside.
He had this look Dude, wheres my ride man?
It was great.

[mamaursula.livejournal.com]

That's a little more tricky. Since they really really REALLY believe in Jesus as a deity, I'm thinking you're going to have to go the occult route. Reading up on them shows that they pretty much ripped their religion down to a couple of core beliefs, there's not much wiggle room.