The Next Truck
Jun. 20th, 2010 02:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trystinnI have some fairly specific concepts of what constitutes a pick up truck. Most of which Josh agrees with, even as he is assumed by the strength of my convictions.
* There are only two types of acceptable trucks:
a) the "Old Man of the Farm" type, genteel and well behaved, he can work all day and take you out for dinner that night. Like a kindly old grandfather, he knows how to do his job well and has many stories to tell. These are my favorites.
b) the "Barely Controlled Beast" type, that snaps and snarls, taking on huge tasks with an cocky, confident air of an Airborne Ranger. Walking in front of him while he's running should make your blood run cold. Bonus points: a RAM on the front and Dodge on the back, which speaks more to attitude than actual branding. These I respect the most.
"* While riding in the first type of pickup truck one should be struck by the overwhelming daydream of said truck puttering about a farm or ranch, delivering feed and hay to grateful animals.
* The grill of the 2nd type should look like it doesn't care whether it hits you or not. Preferably chrome or similar, it should give the overall impression of hunger and having been satiated a time or two on the bodies of it's victims.
* Each light should have a silver border around it, preferably with lights on the top of the cab. Equally desirable is an exposed gas cap.
* A proper pickup should bounce a bit while driving on streets in a playful manner, without spine numbing vibration. Smooth rides belong to cars or long haul semis.
* The hood of a pickup should never be straight across, it should rise along the sides and top in a pleasing curve that suggests it is valiantly trying to hold back the beast of an engine within.
* The side profile of the truck should have curves, with a slight rounding towards the bottom. Straight sides are for mail trucks. *sneer*
* The dashboard should look like it is retreating into the engine, with the top closest to the driver as if reaching out for an affectionate pet from it's driver.
* Side mirrors should be utilitarian and truck-like, using manual adjustment. If they look like they could belong on a car they should have stayed there.
* Whipy antennas are not a must, but are highly desirable.
* A proper truck looks better with a bit of damage. A "street car with a hormone disorder" (most modern trucks) look really pretty until they get a ding or dent.
* Proper trucks should strain a bit, then come on strong when just pulling off with a load for the first time. There should be a sensation of marshaling one's forces with the slightest whisper of "Hell, yeah!" coming from it's soul. Afterward, the truck should give off the sensation of needing a good nap.
* A proper truck doesn't have a middle arm rest, nor does it have separate seats for the passenger and driver. Instead it should have a long seat that is just perfect for a driver and a working dog to stretch out for a nap in during the ride.
* Every pick up should have triangle vent windows and a sliding back window to allow proper ventilation. The first engineer that designed a truck without these should have been horse whipped. All subsequent engineers who continue this horrible tradition should also be horse whipped, then run over by a proper truck. Then backed up over by that same truck. Then horse whipped again.
* The profile of the cab and hood should look vaguely unsettled and even disorganized, as if the wrong cab was put behind the wrong hood. The front of the truck should look like it could lunge at you at any moment. If it doesn't, it should look like you aren't worth bothering with. Bumpers should give of a similar impression, preferably looking like they could push a train or cow out of the way if they wanted to."
* There are only two types of acceptable trucks:
a) the "Old Man of the Farm" type, genteel and well behaved, he can work all day and take you out for dinner that night. Like a kindly old grandfather, he knows how to do his job well and has many stories to tell. These are my favorites.
b) the "Barely Controlled Beast" type, that snaps and snarls, taking on huge tasks with an cocky, confident air of an Airborne Ranger. Walking in front of him while he's running should make your blood run cold. Bonus points: a RAM on the front and Dodge on the back, which speaks more to attitude than actual branding. These I respect the most.
"* While riding in the first type of pickup truck one should be struck by the overwhelming daydream of said truck puttering about a farm or ranch, delivering feed and hay to grateful animals.
* The grill of the 2nd type should look like it doesn't care whether it hits you or not. Preferably chrome or similar, it should give the overall impression of hunger and having been satiated a time or two on the bodies of it's victims.
* Each light should have a silver border around it, preferably with lights on the top of the cab. Equally desirable is an exposed gas cap.
* A proper pickup should bounce a bit while driving on streets in a playful manner, without spine numbing vibration. Smooth rides belong to cars or long haul semis.
* The hood of a pickup should never be straight across, it should rise along the sides and top in a pleasing curve that suggests it is valiantly trying to hold back the beast of an engine within.
* The side profile of the truck should have curves, with a slight rounding towards the bottom. Straight sides are for mail trucks. *sneer*
* The dashboard should look like it is retreating into the engine, with the top closest to the driver as if reaching out for an affectionate pet from it's driver.
* Side mirrors should be utilitarian and truck-like, using manual adjustment. If they look like they could belong on a car they should have stayed there.
* Whipy antennas are not a must, but are highly desirable.
* A proper truck looks better with a bit of damage. A "street car with a hormone disorder" (most modern trucks) look really pretty until they get a ding or dent.
* Proper trucks should strain a bit, then come on strong when just pulling off with a load for the first time. There should be a sensation of marshaling one's forces with the slightest whisper of "Hell, yeah!" coming from it's soul. Afterward, the truck should give off the sensation of needing a good nap.
* A proper truck doesn't have a middle arm rest, nor does it have separate seats for the passenger and driver. Instead it should have a long seat that is just perfect for a driver and a working dog to stretch out for a nap in during the ride.
* Every pick up should have triangle vent windows and a sliding back window to allow proper ventilation. The first engineer that designed a truck without these should have been horse whipped. All subsequent engineers who continue this horrible tradition should also be horse whipped, then run over by a proper truck. Then backed up over by that same truck. Then horse whipped again.
* The profile of the cab and hood should look vaguely unsettled and even disorganized, as if the wrong cab was put behind the wrong hood. The front of the truck should look like it could lunge at you at any moment. If it doesn't, it should look like you aren't worth bothering with. Bumpers should give of a similar impression, preferably looking like they could push a train or cow out of the way if they wanted to."
