Humor: Pagan Problem Report Form (aka Occult Incident Report)

[trystinn]

The Pagan Problem Report Form

1. Describe your pagan problem: __________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the pagan problem accurately:___________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ____________________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Attachment B. ___Possession C. ___Hex D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your Aura plugged in Correctly? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to Cleanse or Vanquish it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about Witchcraft and cleansing" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read a Book of Shadows? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read a Book of Shadows? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read a Book of Shadows? No__

15. If you read a Book of Shadows, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
__________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your Ritual circle when the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were on the Astral plane:
___________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the Cauldron in your circle work? Yes__ What's a CAULDRON? __

21. Do you have a copy of 'Witchcraft for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem, either here or passed over ? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any magical tools, gifts or talents that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given yourself a good whack on the forehead? Yes__ No__ (if 'no' do it now)

26. Is the group outside your home trying to set you on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

Comments

[sunfell.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is hysterical. Can I crosspost?

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Always - author is unknown.

Knock yourself out :)

[wild-heart.livejournal.com]

The Pagan Problem Report Form

1. Describe your pagan problem:_There are too many clueless pagans.______

2. Now, describe the pagan problem accurately:__The general pagan population seems to have had their collective brains sucked out by aliens.____

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: _They insist upon reproducing._____________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial (E.) Epidemic

5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Attachment B. ___Possession C. ___Hex D. ___Strange Smell E. ___Existence

6. Is your Aura plugged in Correctly? Yes _X (AC only, no adapter found)_ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes _X oooo baby_ No __

8. Have you tried to Cleanse or Vanquish it yourself? Yes _X_ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __ No _I'm minty fresh.

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about Witchcraft and cleansing" try to fix it for you? Yes_X_ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __ No _ineffective is as ineffective does

12. Have you read a Book of Shadows? Yes_X_ No__

13. Are you sure you've read a Book of Shadows? Maybe __ No__ YES _X_

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read a Book of Shadows? No__ YES DAMMIT _X_

15. If you read a Book of Shadows, do you think you understood it? Yes_X_ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
___There are those squinky bits about genocide.__________________

17. What were you doing with your Ritual circle when the problem occurred?
_____Trying to ignore them._____________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were on the Astral plane:
___________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes_X_ No__

20. Does the Cauldron in your circle work? Yes__ What's a CAULDRON? __ No _X_ We support it financially for sentimental reasons.

21. Do you have a copy of 'Witchcraft for Dummies'? Yes__ No_X_

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem, either here or passed over ? Yes_XXXXXXX_ No__

23. Do you have any magical tools, gifts or talents that DO work? Yes_X_ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes_XXXXXXX_ No__

25. Have you given yourself a good whack on the forehead? Yes_X_ No__ (if 'no' do it now)

26. Is the group outside your home trying to set you on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __ No _X (See "Hidden Children" clause.)_

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

Seconded and confirm.
All of list (except personal bits) can be confirmed from here.
Particularly the seriousness level....

however 26 is : Yes (housemates cooking)
Apparently there's an apartment building of people who've decided that my housemates' coffee shop is a hotbed of gay people (true) and swingers meetings (not true) (and loud musicians - also kind of true but not wake the neighbours up three blocks away loud - which is what's being claimed).... (the owner's right thrilled. It beats the usual area population of druggies and street thugs)

[wild-heart.livejournal.com]

Sigh. My local coffeeshops don't have that kind of reputation! And here I thought I was moving into the "cool" part of town . . .

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

I live technically in the "bad part of town". The area that gives Surrey BC a BAD reputation...
So his coffee shop is a durn fine thing :)

(incidentally - the only part of the Vancouver region with worse drug and crime problems is the downtown east side... where the term "skid row" originated from the drunks sleeping it off in the tree skids after boozing it up at Gassy Jack's back in the 1800s)

I love going to that coffee shop - and now that wireless internet is being installed (by my brother and I this weekend) there will be even less reason to go home. We're also hoping to get a movie projector online for saturday morning cartoons and quite nights....

[wild-heart.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you need to organize a pajama party on a monthly basis. Everybody lounge around in the morning in their jammies, watching cartoons and drinking coffee.

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful idea!
I'll pass that on.

The owner will love it :) (he basically lives at the coffee shop)
The folks who live upstairs at businesses nearby - who are already regulars and supporters of the shop - will probably get a kick out of it too :)

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Oh no! You heard about the occult shop being torched in Everett? Been a bad year for pagans here.

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

Yeah - actually..
and... ouch on that.

(in my case I was being slightly silly. Two of my roommates actually cook as part of their living and the third knows enough not to ignite anything)

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

They are rebuilding, but its a long haul. Last I heard they were waiting on the insurance payout, as its was still undetermined.

Good people. Sadly, they are loosely affiliated with a local Fraudnerian group. Something I did back before I knew better. *sigh*

[winterlion.livejournal.com]

I'm actually kind of worried about that cafe's rep... as it implies irrational people doing irrational things. NOT a good thing... so I'll stick with being silly (but keep my eyes open).

[vicki-sine.livejournal.com]

ROFLOLH

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

It makes me weep... :-P

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

It sure does seem familiar though, doesn't it?

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

That's why. :(

[taqaisenu.livejournal.com]

Oy, the hurt, the hurt!!! I cant stop laughing!

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Yep, that was pretty much my take, too!

[keastree.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAOPMP!

[herbmcsidhe.livejournal.com]

Oh the pain this could cause in the right wrong communities...

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Hee hee :)

[dolmena.livejournal.com]

Adorably funny.